April 23, 2012

Just One Of Those Moments….

(For those of you who are still following me here….by the way I have moved my blog to a new site http://lifeofamother.bravesites.com/blog)

“Prepare for Rain” was the name of the sermon yesterday morning at church. Now whatever is said beyond this point is my opinion alone and what I got out of the sermon, for everyone gets something different out of any sermon that they hear, sometimes the Preacher gets lucky and everyone grasps the full meaning of what he is trying to put out there, but as long as everyone gets at least something out of it that will make them think and be reminded of their closeness with God Himself, then he is happy.

As my pastor was talking I was thinking about my current place with Him and what I was doing in my life.  It was really strange because of the fact that the name of the sermon was “Prepare for Rain” and it was raining outside, so its like God was already giving this sermon life.  Let me explain something, the night before I was actually thinking about where my current book Dawning Christian could go and how the plot could go, when it was like someone was pushing a video into my mind of another book all together.  I mean so off course of what I was thinking about that I was like “OK I’ve heard of people talking about God talking to them personally and whatever but that was weird.”  So I thought about it a little bit and then kind of shrugged it off and said a little prayer about it asking God to give me guidance as I ponder.  Then I get to church with this sermon.

Now that we have gotten caught up on my train of thought for this sermon now you will fully understand the rest of the post.  As he was reading the Bible verse (1 Kings 18:41-46), where Elijah was praying to God for rain, and every time he sent his servant to look towards the sea there was nothing, yet on the seventh time that he sent the servant to look, the servant came back and said “Behold, a little cloud like a man’s hand is rising out of the sea”,  That is when my pastor said the one line that stuck out to me, “God uses small things to make big things happen”, see he used that small cloud to make a huge storm for Elijah.

“41 And Eli’jah said to Ahab, “Go up, eat and drink; for there is a sound of the rushing of rain.” 42 So Ahab went up to eat and to drink. And Eli’jah went up to the top of Carmel; and he bowed himself down upon the earth, and put his face between his knees. 43 And he said to his servant, “Go up now, look toward the sea.” And he went up and looked, and said, “There is nothing.” And he said, “Go again seven times.” 44 And at the seventh time he said, “Behold, a little cloud like a man’s hand is rising out of the sea.” And he said, “Go up, say to Ahab, ‘Prepare your chariot and go down, lest the rain stop you.'” 45 And in a little while the heavens grew black with clouds and wind, and there was a great rain. And Ahab rode and went to Jezreel. 46 And the hand of the LORD was on Eli’jah; and he girded up his loins and ran before Ahab to the entrance of Jezreel.”

1 Kings 18:41-46

So after listening to the sermon and we were singing our closing song I finally understood that God was trying to tell me that I need to go ahead and write that other book that it feels like He is pushing upon me to do.  No worries Dawning Christian will also be continued on, but I am going to take on an undertaking and see where this other one leads me. 

January 4, 2012

A True God Moment

True the whole weekend project was a rare God moment that I will treasure my whole life. My father came down to help Dempsey and I put the playground set u for the boys, and it was a magical weekend watching the boy’s eyes light up every time something new was completed. True, every five minutes we would hear “Is it ready yet?” That only made my father laugh harder, me say “no”, and their father shake his head.

The chalkboard of the playground set is where my True God Moment comes into play. See we live on this huge farm right, so there is no cement outside anywhere for them to them to draw anywhere here, so we have no chalk in this house before Christmas. Now, I knew we were getting this playground set for just about over a month before Christmas, yet I did NOT know that it came with a chalkboard so I made no arrangements to get any chalk for the feature of the set. Well when we had our family Christmas dinner with my parents my sister gave me TWO boxes of outside chalk. Obviously I looked at her like she had lost her mind, like ok thanks hehehe. She then tells me that Owen (my brother in-law) was out front one day and this older woman came around the corner and handed him several boxes of sidewalk chalk, out of the blue! Well Tia then was like OK whatever, took them wrapped them out for Christmas presents.

Now if you have not caught it yet, re-read that last paragraph before coming back to this one…

Go on I’ll wait, it’s to precious to miss…..

See, God put that older woman in my brother in-law’s way to make sure that I was able to have chalk here at my house for my boys to enjoy that feature of the playground set. God knew that I had not prepared for that one little detail and he knew the best way to get it to me is through my sister. I was able to enjoy the eyes of my boys light up at the fact that yay they did have chalk to draw on the new chalkboard and for that is one of my True God Moments…..

December 30, 2011

Hearts Can Heal…

Last night I laid down with Colt to help him go to sleep, as I was laying there I started crying, and Colt rolls over and hugs me tightly saying “I love you Momma.” Which obviously made me start bawling harder! At first I was crying over the loss of Mindy, but the more I laid there the more I realized that it was not just Mindy that I was crying over, it was the loss of my Chief, and my best friend both of which I lost within two months of each other. I think my heart shut down completely when we lost Chris that day. Thinking back to that week I remember going into auto pilot and being where I was needed most, which was mainly watching kids (not just mine but everyone else’s) and I was fine with that, it helped me stay strong for my fiancée because if I lost it, then who would be there behind him and keeping him strong for his mom and sister. That week was a blur, but surprisingly I can remember almost everything that happened that week down to the letter. I have to say that my most memorable moment was when my family was suppose to be at the church at 4:30 for the family meal before the funeral and we were still sitting at the house, it was like trying to pull teeth out of a grizzly bear’s mouth to get my man up and going. He was dressed and ready to go just couldn’t bring himself to go, which I totally understand (I don’t even want to think how I’m going to be when I loose my father) but his mother called his phone and I answered it. There was no hello from her there was no how are you, there was a direct order in the question that she asked “Yall are coming RIGHT?” Yes mamma, on the way!!! Being the only mother who went to the Church that we had the funeral at I went into the nursery to get everything ready for the babysitters that were on the way to watch the children. I have to honestly say that that was the one and only time that I got pissed off at the rest of the mothers. Seeing that I was in there with my children they all dropped their kids off and left leaving me once again with the crowd of kids that we have. Granted I will give the father’s credit they did stay for a little while but not long.

Yes, I know they were all thinking she’s not blood, she’s not quote unquote family she didn’t know him as well as I did so she can’t be hurting as bad as I am so she can handle the kids while we go lick our wounds. True they may have not been thinking that really but that is how I was feeling at the time, but I was hurting, my heart was in pieces, my spirit was broken for his death hit me hard, harder then I thought thinking back on it now. It hit way to close to home for me, he was gone because of cancer and yet I survived it, it just was not fair in my opinion. As I sit here now writing this and going over it in my mind and my heart I know that at least he is no longer suffering and thankfully he did not suffer to bad to long. I never really broke down and really cried for my Chief during that time and as time wore on, I just buried it deeper and deeper inside of me ignoring it. There would be a few times where I would hear a song on the radio that would make me think of him and thankfully I was driving so I couldn’t really break down. Then loosing Mindy yesterday forced me to come to terms with his death and that was just painful to do. However, it is true when people tell you to go ahead and let it out, go ahead and cry get it out of your system and you do feel better. Last night is a memory that I will cherish with all of my heart, a mother crying herself to sleep while her toddler has his arm wrapped around her neck and his face buried in her neck fast asleep. Colt thank you my sweet angel you were a Godsend last night and you do not even realize it, momma loves you so much and I really hope and pray that the memories you have of your G-daddy stay with you as you grow older, but I can promise you this you will never forget who he was for the help of pictures, and memories that your family will tell you over the years he will never leave your heart. Time does heal wounds of the heart, you just have to keep looking to God for comfort in those times that you think that you are drowning, He will pick you up and carry you……

December 30, 2011

Another Loss, Another Day…

So, yesterday was rather rough for me, found out that we lost a close family member to once again Cancer. I cannot tell you how I detest that word and wish that it would just disappear and never rear its ugly head again but I know that no matter how hard I wish and pray that it will be there, lurking and waiting. My Aunt Carol’s significant other passed away yesterday morning from some type of blood cancer, one that she has been fighting for years, she was dealing with it when I found out about mine. Memories of Mindy raced through my mind when I found out and one in particular stood out in my brain because of the fact that it also involves my Chief.

It was the day that I finally decided to shave my head when the chemotherapy finally got a hold of my hair. Chris had taken the day off to watch the kids for me so that I could go to my treatment, so he was there when it first started happening. I remember it clearly, I walked in the house heading for the Colt’s bedroom where I heard them in there playing and laughing. Smiling I walked into the doorway to let them know that I was home while taking my hair out of its ponytail to shake it out before I went to go take a nap. As I pulled the scrunchie out of my hair a clump came out with it. I wanted to bust into tears right then and there, but looking at my boys playing with their G-daddy I couldn’t scare them. Chris looked up at me and smiled his soft smile saying “Sheena, it’s not that bad.” Well he could say that all he wanted to, but to me it was devastating, I have never had my hair above my shoulders for as long as I could remember. During the day it kept coming out in clumps, I talked to my dad on the phone and he kept telling me “No Sheena do not shave that head, just wait it out.” Once I got off the phone with him not ten minutes later my Aunt was calling me. Mindy got on the phone and we talked for awhile, and she point blank told me to go ahead and shave it. “Sheena, you do not want to keep putting yourself through that emotional pain everyday watching it fall out, its just hair and will grow back, hats are on the way.” Once I got off the phone with her I had made up my mind, it was coming off right then and there. My mom came that afternoon to help me shave it, however, she got emotional (which I understand she is my mother) and got it halfway but could not continue. So I had to wait for my fiancée to come home. Once we got the boys in bed and asleep we went into the bathroom and off it went.

That day was hard for me, but I knew that I had my family and friends supporting me in my decision to shave it making it a little bit easier. Now two years later my hair is finally at my shoulders and growing like wildfire! Mindy was right that day. She showed me that day how strong she was in her fight, how courageous she was, and she was a woman you did not reckon with. Mindy you have been a part of our family for as long as I have been born, you will be missed, you will be loved, but you will never be forgotten.

In loving memory of Mindy Rauch

October 6, 2011

Gram

It’s late at night and I’m sitting here watching a marathon of Avatar: The Last Airbender, strange granted. Just so much is going through my mind that I can’t seem to still it long enough for me to calm down enough to sleep. With everything that has been going on lately got me to thinking about my own family and just got me to thinking about my Gram. She was a woman of many personas I guess you could say! Thankfully I was able to know and love her by the loving grandmother that she was and not the other side of her before I was born. I know of that side and I have seen that side a few times but few and far in between. All I know is that me and my cousin Candice put her through hell during the summers! She would laugh at us, scold us, and as we got older the rougher we gave hahaha!! I can remember staying up all hours of the night sometimes all night and day playing My Little Pony with Candice and several times during that night Gram would walk in going “Yall better go on to bed before Margaret wakes up!” Then there was the day that we got lost in the woods for awhile (thats for another post all together!). Yet there is one thing that I will always remember about Gram, she was EVERYONE’S Grandma, she was the neighborhood Grandma it seems, but Candice and I did not care really we knew who she was and she knew who we were so all was good.

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September 17, 2011

Random Memories

Its been a rainy dreary day today, so being stuck in the house my mind got to thinking of different things that I could do to post more to my blog. Thinking that I need to post more to my blog period! Well, as I have been thinking I thought that I might start posting random memories from my past. We shall see how this plays out, and if I will be able to hold on to getting a post out a day!

Starting the memories off I’ll have to go with my old cat Mouse. I know you are sitting there why in the world start off with a cat memory! There was an older dog in my yard this morning and I mean spitting image of my dog that I have right now, but it was an older version of her (so could have been her dad!).

Yet seeing that older dog made me think back to my cat Mouse, when we got this cat we were living in a trailer in a little town called Creswell and this cat was just so adorable it looked like a drowned rat, ears to big for the head, paws just a tad bit bigger then should have been. As a kitten and a young adult cat Mouse would terrorize me, and I mean running up behind me biting me on my ankles scratching at my legs, it was unreal! It was just me that he would do that to, crazy! Well, he did it one time in front of my father and dad got up kicked that cat across the floor, it was kind of funny at the time. So not long after that Mouse became my cat and just followed me everywhere. It was when we moved to Southern Pines that Mouse was known as MY cat (running joke in the family between mom and me). I would go to school and come home to find him waiting for me on the love seat that was near the door, walk up to him he would jump up on his hind legs put his front paws on my shoulder and nuzzle my cheek. Mouse became my mini panther, because he was huge!! Bigger then most housecats figured that he probably had some tomcat in him down the line from somewhere. He could open my bedroom door as well as most cabinet doors, and LOVED flex all the muscle cream. Oh he was a trip when he got around that stuff, he literally got high off of it (many more memories to come from that one hehehehe). He went through the move from Creswell, to Southern Pines, and finally to Saratoga. That was the last move the power thing ever went through, he got up in age I want to say he was close to 12-13 years old. With age comes the problems of getting older, he got to the point he was peeing everywhere but the liter box so we had to finally put my poor baby down.

That is one animal that will never be forgotten nor replaced. He was truly my best friend during those years……whew if that cat could ever talk I would have been screwed back in my high school years!!

September 16, 2011

The Battle Within

The battle within, that title can fit on so many different types of blog post’s, yet it really fits this one, cancer, that is a true battle from within. You are fighting your own body in the process of trying to stay alive, you are fighting your emotions where you just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and disappear, to hide from the pain that you are causing your loved ones because of what is happening to you. Over this past year I was given the chance to get close to my children’s grandfather (their father’s father). As mentioned in a previous post I am a cervical cancer survivor, and he has passed of lung cancer. I was thankfully coming out of my battle but there was a feeling of regret that was to follow me through the next year. Because, as I was coming out, this man that was the light of my children’s life was going in, and he was not going to come out of it like I did.

There was a connection between the two of from the very start when we first learned of his illness. I can remember the very first conversation we had about it in the early months of his treatments. He was bound and determined to continue on working and taking treatments just as I thought I would be able to do as well when I first was diagnosed. I warned him upfront, to take it slow, its gonna knock you for a loop Chief. Nah, I’ll be alright…..yeah…didn’t take long before he finally realized that working and treatments were not going to mix very well. I never told him to his face “I told you so,” but the looks I would give him he would read right through them and just bust out laughing. He was blessedly comfortable for the most part the beginning of the year and was able to go out and work around the yard with the tractor that will forever be known as “G-daddy’s tractor” no matter what.

As the year wore on, so did his health, but his wisdom and faith got stronger. The closer we got the more I was selfish and thankful that it was not my own father going through this battle, I really don’t think I’m going to be as strong as Diana (Chris’s daughter) was during this time. I remember telling G-daddy just that, that when it comes time for me to tell my own father bye for the last time I do not think that I will be able to stay strong while doing it. This was a tough conversation for me to have with this man, I mean really here he was sitting there dieing and I’m blubbering about the fact that I’m going to go batshit crazy when mine goes. I will never forget what he then told me that day, sitting on the log outside while the boys played.
“Sheena, you will be surprised what your heart can make you do in time like this. I’ve seen the way you are with your dad, just like how Diana and I are. She has been amazing with me and with her mother, and seeing how you are with your dad and with me, I know that you will do just fine. I am just glad that I was given the chance to know that my son was able to give me two spectacular grandsons who will drive you mad once they hit high school I am sure, if not sooner, just know that they are Calhoun’s, they will come out alright. I am also thankful to know that I have someone who is close to me that has been down this road.”
I remember after hearing that looking at him and he was my Indian Chief from the moment I met him for the first time, to that moment on the log, to the moment he died. Many more conversations were to be had many more memories to be made, and I am blessed to know that I was able to be there through it all, not just for me but for my children. The precious moments between that old man and those young children will forever warm my heart, I will never look at a cowboy hat the same way again, for a cowboy hat was my Indian Chief’s trademark.

September 16, 2011

“Father” doesn’t have to be by blood

Well, it seems that it has been quite awhile since I’ve had a chance to really get a post out recently. It has been a crazy couple of months here on the farm, the “Father” of the farm has finally closed his eyes and gone home to where he can finally go fishing and riding his horses whenever he wants. I have to say that I have held my own during this time ok. No, it wasn’t father who passed, it was my fiancee’s father. Yet, I know how the cousins feel about him he was in essence their “father” as well. Well by the time this wonderful strong man closed his eyes he had become my second dad.

See, not sure if I have mentioned it in this blog or not but I am a thankful survivor of cervical cancer, and as I was coming out of my battle, he was going in. He however wasn’t told that “Yes, we can fight this and move on” he was told “we can fight this but this is how long…..” Let me tell you, that man was not happy with that out come right from the get go. Yet, he set his mind and heart to the option of fighting it, and we were blessed with a wonderful year of getting to love on him. I will never forget the times of “G-daddy” riding up on the Montana (small green tractor) to the fire pit to throw limbs in and the boys go SPASTIC in my kitchen “Momma Gdaddy!! I wanna go see Gdaddy!” Laughing and shaking my head I would either call Chris or walk down there and help. Next thing I know the boys are down there with tractor and gator (power wheels) running loggs from one spot to another, carrying limbs from here to there.

Those were the early months, where he could get out and do different things, as the year wore on so did his health. It was then to the point where he would have days where he wouldn’t even come out of the house, days like that were tough on him I know, he hated sitting on the couch and unable to go out like he use to. It was a hit to his pride, one that stung like a bitch. So on days where he felt good we would go down just to keep him company and we would have our “log talks” as the boys played at the edge of the pond. Their dad keeps saying that Curt is a natural at fishing; yeah there were a many a day that we would sit on a log with Curt in between his G-daddy’s legs learning how to fish. And there were a many a day when G-daddy had to untangle a fishing rod LOL!!

Well, I have come to a wall that I can’t seem to break down tonight, so we shall try again tomorrow night.

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April 22, 2011

Yay Me!!

Goooood morning everyone out there I have to say that this morning is looking up and looking a little bit more brighter then what the weather is outside LOL!! I wake up this morning to find out that I have had my first article published! Please feel free to check it out and leave me any type of feedback that you feel is appropriate thank you so much!

April 21, 2011

Just Cuz!

Not sure what I am in the mood to write tonight but we shall see! I am feeling slightly creative tonight and when that happens that means good things for my blog LOL!!! You have probablly noticed that I put a few of my short short stories or whatever it is that you want to call them up here, hoping that you have enjoyed what you have read and the more that I get familiar with WordPress the better this blog will be !! Kind of liking the theme and layout so far of this theme as of now so who knows we shall see. Short post for right now but the night is still young yet!

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