The Battle Within

The battle within, that title can fit on so many different types of blog post’s, yet it really fits this one, cancer, that is a true battle from within. You are fighting your own body in the process of trying to stay alive, you are fighting your emotions where you just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and disappear, to hide from the pain that you are causing your loved ones because of what is happening to you. Over this past year I was given the chance to get close to my children’s grandfather (their father’s father). As mentioned in a previous post I am a cervical cancer survivor, and he has passed of lung cancer. I was thankfully coming out of my battle but there was a feeling of regret that was to follow me through the next year. Because, as I was coming out, this man that was the light of my children’s life was going in, and he was not going to come out of it like I did.

There was a connection between the two of from the very start when we first learned of his illness. I can remember the very first conversation we had about it in the early months of his treatments. He was bound and determined to continue on working and taking treatments just as I thought I would be able to do as well when I first was diagnosed. I warned him upfront, to take it slow, its gonna knock you for a loop Chief. Nah, I’ll be alright…..yeah…didn’t take long before he finally realized that working and treatments were not going to mix very well. I never told him to his face “I told you so,” but the looks I would give him he would read right through them and just bust out laughing. He was blessedly comfortable for the most part the beginning of the year and was able to go out and work around the yard with the tractor that will forever be known as “G-daddy’s tractor” no matter what.

As the year wore on, so did his health, but his wisdom and faith got stronger. The closer we got the more I was selfish and thankful that it was not my own father going through this battle, I really don’t think I’m going to be as strong as Diana (Chris’s daughter) was during this time. I remember telling G-daddy just that, that when it comes time for me to tell my own father bye for the last time I do not think that I will be able to stay strong while doing it. This was a tough conversation for me to have with this man, I mean really here he was sitting there dieing and I’m blubbering about the fact that I’m going to go batshit crazy when mine goes. I will never forget what he then told me that day, sitting on the log outside while the boys played.
“Sheena, you will be surprised what your heart can make you do in time like this. I’ve seen the way you are with your dad, just like how Diana and I are. She has been amazing with me and with her mother, and seeing how you are with your dad and with me, I know that you will do just fine. I am just glad that I was given the chance to know that my son was able to give me two spectacular grandsons who will drive you mad once they hit high school I am sure, if not sooner, just know that they are Calhoun’s, they will come out alright. I am also thankful to know that I have someone who is close to me that has been down this road.”
I remember after hearing that looking at him and he was my Indian Chief from the moment I met him for the first time, to that moment on the log, to the moment he died. Many more conversations were to be had many more memories to be made, and I am blessed to know that I was able to be there through it all, not just for me but for my children. The precious moments between that old man and those young children will forever warm my heart, I will never look at a cowboy hat the same way again, for a cowboy hat was my Indian Chief’s trademark.

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2 Comments to “The Battle Within”

  1. Thanks for sharing something so honest and candid about motherhood. Hold your head up high and know you are doing the best you can with what life has to offer. Everything in life is a learning experience; there are no mistakes-only methods to do better. A true survivor is one who never gives up but continues despite the adversaries. You make me proud!

    • Oh Jonz, thank you so much that was sweet of you. You are so right about what a true survivor is, and even though my Indian Chief, lost his battle, he was a survivor in my mind and heart for he never gave up the chance to be with his family right until the last minute, he made me so proud the day that he finally closed his eyes for the last time…..

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