Archive for December, 2011

December 30, 2011

Hearts Can Heal…

Last night I laid down with Colt to help him go to sleep, as I was laying there I started crying, and Colt rolls over and hugs me tightly saying “I love you Momma.” Which obviously made me start bawling harder! At first I was crying over the loss of Mindy, but the more I laid there the more I realized that it was not just Mindy that I was crying over, it was the loss of my Chief, and my best friend both of which I lost within two months of each other. I think my heart shut down completely when we lost Chris that day. Thinking back to that week I remember going into auto pilot and being where I was needed most, which was mainly watching kids (not just mine but everyone else’s) and I was fine with that, it helped me stay strong for my fiancée because if I lost it, then who would be there behind him and keeping him strong for his mom and sister. That week was a blur, but surprisingly I can remember almost everything that happened that week down to the letter. I have to say that my most memorable moment was when my family was suppose to be at the church at 4:30 for the family meal before the funeral and we were still sitting at the house, it was like trying to pull teeth out of a grizzly bear’s mouth to get my man up and going. He was dressed and ready to go just couldn’t bring himself to go, which I totally understand (I don’t even want to think how I’m going to be when I loose my father) but his mother called his phone and I answered it. There was no hello from her there was no how are you, there was a direct order in the question that she asked “Yall are coming RIGHT?” Yes mamma, on the way!!! Being the only mother who went to the Church that we had the funeral at I went into the nursery to get everything ready for the babysitters that were on the way to watch the children. I have to honestly say that that was the one and only time that I got pissed off at the rest of the mothers. Seeing that I was in there with my children they all dropped their kids off and left leaving me once again with the crowd of kids that we have. Granted I will give the father’s credit they did stay for a little while but not long.

Yes, I know they were all thinking she’s not blood, she’s not quote unquote family she didn’t know him as well as I did so she can’t be hurting as bad as I am so she can handle the kids while we go lick our wounds. True they may have not been thinking that really but that is how I was feeling at the time, but I was hurting, my heart was in pieces, my spirit was broken for his death hit me hard, harder then I thought thinking back on it now. It hit way to close to home for me, he was gone because of cancer and yet I survived it, it just was not fair in my opinion. As I sit here now writing this and going over it in my mind and my heart I know that at least he is no longer suffering and thankfully he did not suffer to bad to long. I never really broke down and really cried for my Chief during that time and as time wore on, I just buried it deeper and deeper inside of me ignoring it. There would be a few times where I would hear a song on the radio that would make me think of him and thankfully I was driving so I couldn’t really break down. Then loosing Mindy yesterday forced me to come to terms with his death and that was just painful to do. However, it is true when people tell you to go ahead and let it out, go ahead and cry get it out of your system and you do feel better. Last night is a memory that I will cherish with all of my heart, a mother crying herself to sleep while her toddler has his arm wrapped around her neck and his face buried in her neck fast asleep. Colt thank you my sweet angel you were a Godsend last night and you do not even realize it, momma loves you so much and I really hope and pray that the memories you have of your G-daddy stay with you as you grow older, but I can promise you this you will never forget who he was for the help of pictures, and memories that your family will tell you over the years he will never leave your heart. Time does heal wounds of the heart, you just have to keep looking to God for comfort in those times that you think that you are drowning, He will pick you up and carry you……

December 30, 2011

Another Loss, Another Day…

So, yesterday was rather rough for me, found out that we lost a close family member to once again Cancer. I cannot tell you how I detest that word and wish that it would just disappear and never rear its ugly head again but I know that no matter how hard I wish and pray that it will be there, lurking and waiting. My Aunt Carol’s significant other passed away yesterday morning from some type of blood cancer, one that she has been fighting for years, she was dealing with it when I found out about mine. Memories of Mindy raced through my mind when I found out and one in particular stood out in my brain because of the fact that it also involves my Chief.

It was the day that I finally decided to shave my head when the chemotherapy finally got a hold of my hair. Chris had taken the day off to watch the kids for me so that I could go to my treatment, so he was there when it first started happening. I remember it clearly, I walked in the house heading for the Colt’s bedroom where I heard them in there playing and laughing. Smiling I walked into the doorway to let them know that I was home while taking my hair out of its ponytail to shake it out before I went to go take a nap. As I pulled the scrunchie out of my hair a clump came out with it. I wanted to bust into tears right then and there, but looking at my boys playing with their G-daddy I couldn’t scare them. Chris looked up at me and smiled his soft smile saying “Sheena, it’s not that bad.” Well he could say that all he wanted to, but to me it was devastating, I have never had my hair above my shoulders for as long as I could remember. During the day it kept coming out in clumps, I talked to my dad on the phone and he kept telling me “No Sheena do not shave that head, just wait it out.” Once I got off the phone with him not ten minutes later my Aunt was calling me. Mindy got on the phone and we talked for awhile, and she point blank told me to go ahead and shave it. “Sheena, you do not want to keep putting yourself through that emotional pain everyday watching it fall out, its just hair and will grow back, hats are on the way.” Once I got off the phone with her I had made up my mind, it was coming off right then and there. My mom came that afternoon to help me shave it, however, she got emotional (which I understand she is my mother) and got it halfway but could not continue. So I had to wait for my fiancée to come home. Once we got the boys in bed and asleep we went into the bathroom and off it went.

That day was hard for me, but I knew that I had my family and friends supporting me in my decision to shave it making it a little bit easier. Now two years later my hair is finally at my shoulders and growing like wildfire! Mindy was right that day. She showed me that day how strong she was in her fight, how courageous she was, and she was a woman you did not reckon with. Mindy you have been a part of our family for as long as I have been born, you will be missed, you will be loved, but you will never be forgotten.

In loving memory of Mindy Rauch