Archive for ‘Personal’

December 30, 2011

Hearts Can Heal…

Last night I laid down with Colt to help him go to sleep, as I was laying there I started crying, and Colt rolls over and hugs me tightly saying “I love you Momma.” Which obviously made me start bawling harder! At first I was crying over the loss of Mindy, but the more I laid there the more I realized that it was not just Mindy that I was crying over, it was the loss of my Chief, and my best friend both of which I lost within two months of each other. I think my heart shut down completely when we lost Chris that day. Thinking back to that week I remember going into auto pilot and being where I was needed most, which was mainly watching kids (not just mine but everyone else’s) and I was fine with that, it helped me stay strong for my fiancée because if I lost it, then who would be there behind him and keeping him strong for his mom and sister. That week was a blur, but surprisingly I can remember almost everything that happened that week down to the letter. I have to say that my most memorable moment was when my family was suppose to be at the church at 4:30 for the family meal before the funeral and we were still sitting at the house, it was like trying to pull teeth out of a grizzly bear’s mouth to get my man up and going. He was dressed and ready to go just couldn’t bring himself to go, which I totally understand (I don’t even want to think how I’m going to be when I loose my father) but his mother called his phone and I answered it. There was no hello from her there was no how are you, there was a direct order in the question that she asked “Yall are coming RIGHT?” Yes mamma, on the way!!! Being the only mother who went to the Church that we had the funeral at I went into the nursery to get everything ready for the babysitters that were on the way to watch the children. I have to honestly say that that was the one and only time that I got pissed off at the rest of the mothers. Seeing that I was in there with my children they all dropped their kids off and left leaving me once again with the crowd of kids that we have. Granted I will give the father’s credit they did stay for a little while but not long.

Yes, I know they were all thinking she’s not blood, she’s not quote unquote family she didn’t know him as well as I did so she can’t be hurting as bad as I am so she can handle the kids while we go lick our wounds. True they may have not been thinking that really but that is how I was feeling at the time, but I was hurting, my heart was in pieces, my spirit was broken for his death hit me hard, harder then I thought thinking back on it now. It hit way to close to home for me, he was gone because of cancer and yet I survived it, it just was not fair in my opinion. As I sit here now writing this and going over it in my mind and my heart I know that at least he is no longer suffering and thankfully he did not suffer to bad to long. I never really broke down and really cried for my Chief during that time and as time wore on, I just buried it deeper and deeper inside of me ignoring it. There would be a few times where I would hear a song on the radio that would make me think of him and thankfully I was driving so I couldn’t really break down. Then loosing Mindy yesterday forced me to come to terms with his death and that was just painful to do. However, it is true when people tell you to go ahead and let it out, go ahead and cry get it out of your system and you do feel better. Last night is a memory that I will cherish with all of my heart, a mother crying herself to sleep while her toddler has his arm wrapped around her neck and his face buried in her neck fast asleep. Colt thank you my sweet angel you were a Godsend last night and you do not even realize it, momma loves you so much and I really hope and pray that the memories you have of your G-daddy stay with you as you grow older, but I can promise you this you will never forget who he was for the help of pictures, and memories that your family will tell you over the years he will never leave your heart. Time does heal wounds of the heart, you just have to keep looking to God for comfort in those times that you think that you are drowning, He will pick you up and carry you……

December 30, 2011

Another Loss, Another Day…

So, yesterday was rather rough for me, found out that we lost a close family member to once again Cancer. I cannot tell you how I detest that word and wish that it would just disappear and never rear its ugly head again but I know that no matter how hard I wish and pray that it will be there, lurking and waiting. My Aunt Carol’s significant other passed away yesterday morning from some type of blood cancer, one that she has been fighting for years, she was dealing with it when I found out about mine. Memories of Mindy raced through my mind when I found out and one in particular stood out in my brain because of the fact that it also involves my Chief.

It was the day that I finally decided to shave my head when the chemotherapy finally got a hold of my hair. Chris had taken the day off to watch the kids for me so that I could go to my treatment, so he was there when it first started happening. I remember it clearly, I walked in the house heading for the Colt’s bedroom where I heard them in there playing and laughing. Smiling I walked into the doorway to let them know that I was home while taking my hair out of its ponytail to shake it out before I went to go take a nap. As I pulled the scrunchie out of my hair a clump came out with it. I wanted to bust into tears right then and there, but looking at my boys playing with their G-daddy I couldn’t scare them. Chris looked up at me and smiled his soft smile saying “Sheena, it’s not that bad.” Well he could say that all he wanted to, but to me it was devastating, I have never had my hair above my shoulders for as long as I could remember. During the day it kept coming out in clumps, I talked to my dad on the phone and he kept telling me “No Sheena do not shave that head, just wait it out.” Once I got off the phone with him not ten minutes later my Aunt was calling me. Mindy got on the phone and we talked for awhile, and she point blank told me to go ahead and shave it. “Sheena, you do not want to keep putting yourself through that emotional pain everyday watching it fall out, its just hair and will grow back, hats are on the way.” Once I got off the phone with her I had made up my mind, it was coming off right then and there. My mom came that afternoon to help me shave it, however, she got emotional (which I understand she is my mother) and got it halfway but could not continue. So I had to wait for my fiancée to come home. Once we got the boys in bed and asleep we went into the bathroom and off it went.

That day was hard for me, but I knew that I had my family and friends supporting me in my decision to shave it making it a little bit easier. Now two years later my hair is finally at my shoulders and growing like wildfire! Mindy was right that day. She showed me that day how strong she was in her fight, how courageous she was, and she was a woman you did not reckon with. Mindy you have been a part of our family for as long as I have been born, you will be missed, you will be loved, but you will never be forgotten.

In loving memory of Mindy Rauch

September 16, 2011

The Battle Within

The battle within, that title can fit on so many different types of blog post’s, yet it really fits this one, cancer, that is a true battle from within. You are fighting your own body in the process of trying to stay alive, you are fighting your emotions where you just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and disappear, to hide from the pain that you are causing your loved ones because of what is happening to you. Over this past year I was given the chance to get close to my children’s grandfather (their father’s father). As mentioned in a previous post I am a cervical cancer survivor, and he has passed of lung cancer. I was thankfully coming out of my battle but there was a feeling of regret that was to follow me through the next year. Because, as I was coming out, this man that was the light of my children’s life was going in, and he was not going to come out of it like I did.

There was a connection between the two of from the very start when we first learned of his illness. I can remember the very first conversation we had about it in the early months of his treatments. He was bound and determined to continue on working and taking treatments just as I thought I would be able to do as well when I first was diagnosed. I warned him upfront, to take it slow, its gonna knock you for a loop Chief. Nah, I’ll be alright…..yeah…didn’t take long before he finally realized that working and treatments were not going to mix very well. I never told him to his face “I told you so,” but the looks I would give him he would read right through them and just bust out laughing. He was blessedly comfortable for the most part the beginning of the year and was able to go out and work around the yard with the tractor that will forever be known as “G-daddy’s tractor” no matter what.

As the year wore on, so did his health, but his wisdom and faith got stronger. The closer we got the more I was selfish and thankful that it was not my own father going through this battle, I really don’t think I’m going to be as strong as Diana (Chris’s daughter) was during this time. I remember telling G-daddy just that, that when it comes time for me to tell my own father bye for the last time I do not think that I will be able to stay strong while doing it. This was a tough conversation for me to have with this man, I mean really here he was sitting there dieing and I’m blubbering about the fact that I’m going to go batshit crazy when mine goes. I will never forget what he then told me that day, sitting on the log outside while the boys played.
“Sheena, you will be surprised what your heart can make you do in time like this. I’ve seen the way you are with your dad, just like how Diana and I are. She has been amazing with me and with her mother, and seeing how you are with your dad and with me, I know that you will do just fine. I am just glad that I was given the chance to know that my son was able to give me two spectacular grandsons who will drive you mad once they hit high school I am sure, if not sooner, just know that they are Calhoun’s, they will come out alright. I am also thankful to know that I have someone who is close to me that has been down this road.”
I remember after hearing that looking at him and he was my Indian Chief from the moment I met him for the first time, to that moment on the log, to the moment he died. Many more conversations were to be had many more memories to be made, and I am blessed to know that I was able to be there through it all, not just for me but for my children. The precious moments between that old man and those young children will forever warm my heart, I will never look at a cowboy hat the same way again, for a cowboy hat was my Indian Chief’s trademark.

September 16, 2011

“Father” doesn’t have to be by blood

Well, it seems that it has been quite awhile since I’ve had a chance to really get a post out recently. It has been a crazy couple of months here on the farm, the “Father” of the farm has finally closed his eyes and gone home to where he can finally go fishing and riding his horses whenever he wants. I have to say that I have held my own during this time ok. No, it wasn’t father who passed, it was my fiancee’s father. Yet, I know how the cousins feel about him he was in essence their “father” as well. Well by the time this wonderful strong man closed his eyes he had become my second dad.

See, not sure if I have mentioned it in this blog or not but I am a thankful survivor of cervical cancer, and as I was coming out of my battle, he was going in. He however wasn’t told that “Yes, we can fight this and move on” he was told “we can fight this but this is how long…..” Let me tell you, that man was not happy with that out come right from the get go. Yet, he set his mind and heart to the option of fighting it, and we were blessed with a wonderful year of getting to love on him. I will never forget the times of “G-daddy” riding up on the Montana (small green tractor) to the fire pit to throw limbs in and the boys go SPASTIC in my kitchen “Momma Gdaddy!! I wanna go see Gdaddy!” Laughing and shaking my head I would either call Chris or walk down there and help. Next thing I know the boys are down there with tractor and gator (power wheels) running loggs from one spot to another, carrying limbs from here to there.

Those were the early months, where he could get out and do different things, as the year wore on so did his health. It was then to the point where he would have days where he wouldn’t even come out of the house, days like that were tough on him I know, he hated sitting on the couch and unable to go out like he use to. It was a hit to his pride, one that stung like a bitch. So on days where he felt good we would go down just to keep him company and we would have our “log talks” as the boys played at the edge of the pond. Their dad keeps saying that Curt is a natural at fishing; yeah there were a many a day that we would sit on a log with Curt in between his G-daddy’s legs learning how to fish. And there were a many a day when G-daddy had to untangle a fishing rod LOL!!

Well, I have come to a wall that I can’t seem to break down tonight, so we shall try again tomorrow night.

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April 22, 2011

Yay Me!!

Goooood morning everyone out there I have to say that this morning is looking up and looking a little bit more brighter then what the weather is outside LOL!! I wake up this morning to find out that I have had my first article published! Please feel free to check it out and leave me any type of feedback that you feel is appropriate thank you so much!

March 16, 2011

Quick Note

I do want you to know that yes I am still here, yes I have been extremely busy but give me a few days and I’ll have this blog up and running like it needs to be, just bare with me 🙂

January 11, 2011

Rambling I guess…

Ok so I missed my mark yesterday, but with two toddlers and an online education it feels kind of hard to juggle everything; but its strange how little things always seem to get you back into perspective of things.  Mind was comments left for a power point slide that I did for my current class.  It has been awhile since I messed around with power point so it took me awhile to get it together.  Several of classmates as well as my instructor said that it was really put together and organized.  I know, really simple compliments but it really helped me to get motivated again.

I have several people ask me why in the world did I choose Journalism and mass communications for my major?  Simple, you can go just about as far in this major as you can in Business Administration.  This way I have options for where and how I want to go but I also get to enjoy what I am doing.   It is really strange I can write a blog post, or an article, or something of that nature, yet when it comes to something like an essay or structured like that I freeze up.  Thankfully I can pull them off for classes but its like pulling teeth for me to get one written!  Which reminds me, I’ve got one that I need to be working on now……

January 9, 2011

Life

Joining this challenge will be hard and enlighting all at the same time.  I know personally that this will wind up being very difficult, running a house, two toddlers, and school online will make it hard to keep everything running smoothly, but this is also going to help me in my schooling.  Why you ask?  Due to the fact it’ll help me in my writing skills, and build up a nice portfillio for work/career.

Like I posted in my Writer’s Block earlier don’t try to sit down and write a textbook article, write from your heart.  By writing from your heart you can learn new things about yourself as you through this journey.  I have learned personally that by writing has helped me therapudicially.

I have been writing since I was in middle school and over the years as I grew so did my writing.  It has gone far and beyond of a hobble, it has gotten into my blood, and that is where I want to keep it.

January 8, 2011

Challenge of 2011

Being a blogger on WordPress.com I have  joined up for the Challenge of 2011 in trying to post each day of the week.  They were right when talking about how there are some bloggers out there that start out in getting a blog set up, getting the background just like they want, and yet when it comes to post they go blank.  They sit there and stare at the computer screen, going “wow, what do I write”  People are scared to write about their personal lives and what is going on.  Yet you really do not need to write about your personal life unless you are comfortable to do so. Just write from the heart.

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January 8, 2011

New Chapter

If you are in a dark time of your life and you do not think that you can get out of it, know that you can.  Know that there are people out there that do care for you as well as you can rely on God.  No matter how alone you feel He is there, watching, listening, guiding, and holding your hand.  I know this is true because He was there for me these past few months of my life as I tried to figure out what I not only wanted but needed.

Currently I am sitting here watching the movie Twister, and I realized that life is a twister.  No matter how smooth you think you have it, there will come a time in your life where it will be turned upside down, turn you this way and that way.  There will be dark clouds, thunder, and rain, yet, even after all of that you know that at the end of it there will be a clearing of the storm, a break in the clouds and you will see light once again.  This I have.

During those months of being away from the father of my children was when the twister was happening.  was when I was riding the storm out.  Towards the end I could actually see light, I could see my clearing in my gray skies.  There was several people who kept telling me that it was a bad idea in going back.  Well I say to those people, I love you and thank you for caring so much for me but I had to follow my heart and do what was best for my family.  Now sitting where I am, I knew that I was right, I have never felt more alive, more confident in what I was doing then I do at this moment in time.

This is where I belong, this is where my heart is.