A True God Moment

True the whole weekend project was a rare God moment that I will treasure my whole life. My father came down to help Dempsey and I put the playground set u for the boys, and it was a magical weekend watching the boy’s eyes light up every time something new was completed. True, every five minutes we would hear “Is it ready yet?” That only made my father laugh harder, me say “no”, and their father shake his head.

The chalkboard of the playground set is where my True God Moment comes into play. See we live on this huge farm right, so there is no cement outside anywhere for them to them to draw anywhere here, so we have no chalk in this house before Christmas. Now, I knew we were getting this playground set for just about over a month before Christmas, yet I did NOT know that it came with a chalkboard so I made no arrangements to get any chalk for the feature of the set. Well when we had our family Christmas dinner with my parents my sister gave me TWO boxes of outside chalk. Obviously I looked at her like she had lost her mind, like ok thanks hehehe. She then tells me that Owen (my brother in-law) was out front one day and this older woman came around the corner and handed him several boxes of sidewalk chalk, out of the blue! Well Tia then was like OK whatever, took them wrapped them out for Christmas presents.

Now if you have not caught it yet, re-read that last paragraph before coming back to this one…

Go on I’ll wait, it’s to precious to miss…..

See, God put that older woman in my brother in-law’s way to make sure that I was able to have chalk here at my house for my boys to enjoy that feature of the playground set. God knew that I had not prepared for that one little detail and he knew the best way to get it to me is through my sister. I was able to enjoy the eyes of my boys light up at the fact that yay they did have chalk to draw on the new chalkboard and for that is one of my True God Moments…..

Hearts Can Heal…

Last night I laid down with Colt to help him go to sleep, as I was laying there I started crying, and Colt rolls over and hugs me tightly saying “I love you Momma.” Which obviously made me start bawling harder! At first I was crying over the loss of Mindy, but the more I laid there the more I realized that it was not just Mindy that I was crying over, it was the loss of my Chief, and my best friend both of which I lost within two months of each other. I think my heart shut down completely when we lost Chris that day. Thinking back to that week I remember going into auto pilot and being where I was needed most, which was mainly watching kids (not just mine but everyone else’s) and I was fine with that, it helped me stay strong for my fiancée because if I lost it, then who would be there behind him and keeping him strong for his mom and sister. That week was a blur, but surprisingly I can remember almost everything that happened that week down to the letter. I have to say that my most memorable moment was when my family was suppose to be at the church at 4:30 for the family meal before the funeral and we were still sitting at the house, it was like trying to pull teeth out of a grizzly bear’s mouth to get my man up and going. He was dressed and ready to go just couldn’t bring himself to go, which I totally understand (I don’t even want to think how I’m going to be when I loose my father) but his mother called his phone and I answered it. There was no hello from her there was no how are you, there was a direct order in the question that she asked “Yall are coming RIGHT?” Yes mamma, on the way!!! Being the only mother who went to the Church that we had the funeral at I went into the nursery to get everything ready for the babysitters that were on the way to watch the children. I have to honestly say that that was the one and only time that I got pissed off at the rest of the mothers. Seeing that I was in there with my children they all dropped their kids off and left leaving me once again with the crowd of kids that we have. Granted I will give the father’s credit they did stay for a little while but not long.

Yes, I know they were all thinking she’s not blood, she’s not quote unquote family she didn’t know him as well as I did so she can’t be hurting as bad as I am so she can handle the kids while we go lick our wounds. True they may have not been thinking that really but that is how I was feeling at the time, but I was hurting, my heart was in pieces, my spirit was broken for his death hit me hard, harder then I thought thinking back on it now. It hit way to close to home for me, he was gone because of cancer and yet I survived it, it just was not fair in my opinion. As I sit here now writing this and going over it in my mind and my heart I know that at least he is no longer suffering and thankfully he did not suffer to bad to long. I never really broke down and really cried for my Chief during that time and as time wore on, I just buried it deeper and deeper inside of me ignoring it. There would be a few times where I would hear a song on the radio that would make me think of him and thankfully I was driving so I couldn’t really break down. Then loosing Mindy yesterday forced me to come to terms with his death and that was just painful to do. However, it is true when people tell you to go ahead and let it out, go ahead and cry get it out of your system and you do feel better. Last night is a memory that I will cherish with all of my heart, a mother crying herself to sleep while her toddler has his arm wrapped around her neck and his face buried in her neck fast asleep. Colt thank you my sweet angel you were a Godsend last night and you do not even realize it, momma loves you so much and I really hope and pray that the memories you have of your G-daddy stay with you as you grow older, but I can promise you this you will never forget who he was for the help of pictures, and memories that your family will tell you over the years he will never leave your heart. Time does heal wounds of the heart, you just have to keep looking to God for comfort in those times that you think that you are drowning, He will pick you up and carry you……

Another Loss, Another Day…

So, yesterday was rather rough for me, found out that we lost a close family member to once again Cancer. I cannot tell you how I detest that word and wish that it would just disappear and never rear its ugly head again but I know that no matter how hard I wish and pray that it will be there, lurking and waiting. My Aunt Carol’s significant other passed away yesterday morning from some type of blood cancer, one that she has been fighting for years, she was dealing with it when I found out about mine. Memories of Mindy raced through my mind when I found out and one in particular stood out in my brain because of the fact that it also involves my Chief.

It was the day that I finally decided to shave my head when the chemotherapy finally got a hold of my hair. Chris had taken the day off to watch the kids for me so that I could go to my treatment, so he was there when it first started happening. I remember it clearly, I walked in the house heading for the Colt’s bedroom where I heard them in there playing and laughing. Smiling I walked into the doorway to let them know that I was home while taking my hair out of its ponytail to shake it out before I went to go take a nap. As I pulled the scrunchie out of my hair a clump came out with it. I wanted to bust into tears right then and there, but looking at my boys playing with their G-daddy I couldn’t scare them. Chris looked up at me and smiled his soft smile saying “Sheena, it’s not that bad.” Well he could say that all he wanted to, but to me it was devastating, I have never had my hair above my shoulders for as long as I could remember. During the day it kept coming out in clumps, I talked to my dad on the phone and he kept telling me “No Sheena do not shave that head, just wait it out.” Once I got off the phone with him not ten minutes later my Aunt was calling me. Mindy got on the phone and we talked for awhile, and she point blank told me to go ahead and shave it. “Sheena, you do not want to keep putting yourself through that emotional pain everyday watching it fall out, its just hair and will grow back, hats are on the way.” Once I got off the phone with her I had made up my mind, it was coming off right then and there. My mom came that afternoon to help me shave it, however, she got emotional (which I understand she is my mother) and got it halfway but could not continue. So I had to wait for my fiancée to come home. Once we got the boys in bed and asleep we went into the bathroom and off it went.

That day was hard for me, but I knew that I had my family and friends supporting me in my decision to shave it making it a little bit easier. Now two years later my hair is finally at my shoulders and growing like wildfire! Mindy was right that day. She showed me that day how strong she was in her fight, how courageous she was, and she was a woman you did not reckon with. Mindy you have been a part of our family for as long as I have been born, you will be missed, you will be loved, but you will never be forgotten.

In loving memory of Mindy Rauch

Gram

It’s late at night and I’m sitting here watching a marathon of Avatar: The Last Airbender, strange granted. Just so much is going through my mind that I can’t seem to still it long enough for me to calm down enough to sleep. With everything that has been going on lately got me to thinking about my own family and just got me to thinking about my Gram. She was a woman of many personas I guess you could say! Thankfully I was able to know and love her by the loving grandmother that she was and not the other side of her before I was born. I know of that side and I have seen that side a few times but few and far in between. All I know is that me and my cousin Candice put her through hell during the summers! She would laugh at us, scold us, and as we got older the rougher we gave hahaha!! I can remember staying up all hours of the night sometimes all night and day playing My Little Pony with Candice and several times during that night Gram would walk in going “Yall better go on to bed before Margaret wakes up!” Then there was the day that we got lost in the woods for awhile (thats for another post all together!). Yet there is one thing that I will always remember about Gram, she was EVERYONE’S Grandma, she was the neighborhood Grandma it seems, but Candice and I did not care really we knew who she was and she knew who we were so all was good.

New Chapter

If you are in a dark time of your life and you do not think that you can get out of it, know that you can.  Know that there are people out there that do care for you as well as you can rely on God.  No matter how alone you feel He is there, watching, listening, guiding, and holding your hand.  I know this is true because He was there for me these past few months of my life as I tried to figure out what I not only wanted but needed.

Currently I am sitting here watching the movie Twister, and I realized that life is a twister.  No matter how smooth you think you have it, there will come a time in your life where it will be turned upside down, turn you this way and that way.  There will be dark clouds, thunder, and rain, yet, even after all of that you know that at the end of it there will be a clearing of the storm, a break in the clouds and you will see light once again.  This I have.

During those months of being away from the father of my children was when the twister was happening.  was when I was riding the storm out.  Towards the end I could actually see light, I could see my clearing in my gray skies.  There was several people who kept telling me that it was a bad idea in going back.  Well I say to those people, I love you and thank you for caring so much for me but I had to follow my heart and do what was best for my family.  Now sitting where I am, I knew that I was right, I have never felt more alive, more confident in what I was doing then I do at this moment in time.

This is where I belong, this is where my heart is.

My New Journey

     On October 9, 2010 my world changed in a way that I cannot even describe, cannot even put it into words, I was baptised.  That was the weekend that the kids were with their father and my blazer was in the shop.  Having no wheels that weekend was rough but  my parents decided that they wanted to go see me get baptised so thankfully I rode with them into Wilson that morning. 

    A little background on my journey into Christianity.  A little over a year ago I was invited to West Edgecombe Baptist Church by my future mother in law.  At first I was really timid about going to a church, a baptist church to begin with!  Why you wonder?  Well due to the fact I was a Wiccan before hand, (I’ll explain that religion a little bit better in another post) and wasn’t really feeling the whole concept of Jesus and God at that point in my life.  It has taken me almost a year to finally grasp the concept of Jesus and His Father.  Through this year He has put me through some major obstacles that I have come out on top pretty much.  Through these obstacles I have learned that the power of prayer really and truly works.  I truly believe that God made it to where I could not get baptised until I was fully ready to finally accept Him. 

    I thought I was ready at the beginning when I first converted over to Christianity but obviously God knew that I was not ready to take that final step.  I remember going up to the pastor several times talking to him about being baptised and he would constantly tell me “No Sheena I cannot baptise you yet, simply because you are living in sin in God’s eyes”  How was I living in sin?  I was living with my ex with our two boys however we never did get married.  Its like God knew what was ahead of me, knew that I needed a few more lessons in life to learn before I was finally able to accept Him fully into my heart.

     Those lessons were tough and hard to accept yet, I made it through them all in one piece by the grace of God.  I am proud of who I am now, not of who I was back then that is for sure.  However, now I am someone who my children can look up to and know that whatever I do I do for them and only them.

     Upon seperating from my fiancee and moving back into the house with my parents I had to go church searching again.  There was no way I could continue going to WEBC where I started out at, for several reasons.  One, it was to far to travel on a low budget.  Two, I really couldn’t show my face there.  Too many of the poeple who went there were related to him and at the moment in time I couldn’t handle the talk that would be going around I’m sure.  So with those thoughts in mind I needed to find another church to start going to.

     Coming home to my paretns house may have been the best thing that I could have ever done, my father directed me towards Stoneybrook Church.  Stoneybrook Church has become my new church home and I have never felt more alive being in church as I do there.  The Minister there is from our hometown Creswell.  His father married my parents so many years ago and now the son is my preacher, is the one who baptised me.  I feel like the cycle is complete, I am where I need to be.

Summary of Me

     Starting out on your own is never easy, especially when you have two toddlers that depend solely on you.  My name is Sheena Snell and this is my story with my two little ones.  I am a stay at home mom, currently enrolled in online school going for my BA in Journalism and Mass Communications, halfway through thankfully but still a long way to go. 

     Sitting here writing this I think back over the past few years and wow my world has changed, being blessed with Colt and Curtis has made me a new woman, a woman who wants to be someone who her children can be proud of.  I have had a rough last year and I am trying to get back on my feet by staying with my parents for now.  Seperating from their father was probablly the hardest thing that I ever had to do but doing that has opened not only his eyes but mine as well. I have made a vow to myself that whatever it takes I will do to make it work for my children, for they are my light in this dark stage of my life. 

     Thank you God for the two blessings that you have blessed upon me to nurture, to raise, to love….